Facebook-ology

The much needed post for the wellness of the Cyber mankind. I don't want to wake up everyday to see my facebook page filled with idiocy that I don't really care about and so do several others who are just there to find their long lost friends or may be for some casual ball. Urban Dictionary, my Dutch Uncle, terms "Facebookology" as 'The knowledge of whats going down on Facebook'. A couple of people asking me to blog about this and Sapota's mere frustration made me think about the Facebookology. Over the past few months, I was analyzing the spectrum of my friends on facebook. I couldn't resist but categorize them into gangs:

1. Fervent Faction: People in this gang are always upto something. There are people who 'like' every status message they come across; there are people who add every person they just stare at, you just smile at them on the road and there'll be a friend request even before you go home; there are people who are crazy about one particular thing and keep hammering their passion on the rest of the junta. We don't really care, you see!

There is a small group of people within this gang who are really curious on who visited their profile and who tagged them. They try all the different apps that are available on facebook, "Your Top follwers", "Who you would kill you", "Who is your best friend". "What would be your future". Damn it, don't you really know who your best friend is, do you need an app for that?

2. Jobless Jarheads: People in this gang never know what facebook is all about. They assume it to be a toy box. They are too idle to kill the time. They share every video they see, even though it was uploaded on the internet in the Stone Age and everyone else has already shared it like a thousand times. They think, think, think and think and then decide to spend their time wisely, they create a Farmville or a Cityville account. If that is a guy, he would create Mafia wars account because he is too masculine to design farms. They don't stop there, they feel privileged to show their farm layouts and city planning on facebook and the people whom I'd like to really appreciate are the ones who actually open those photos and 'Like' them.

And if they are too wise, they would start asking facebook which celebrity do they look like and who would be their life partner. Ok, I'd take the liberty to tell you that you are acting like an Ass now (whether you take that to be a donkey or the behind, it is upto you). You might do it for fun, but we plead you to create a private account for that, add people who could tolerate those activities and share your feelings there. We respect your privacy.

3. Spamming Syndicates: The subgroups in 1 & 2 and a few other people comprise this gang. All they know is clicking on the link which comes across their way. They something interesting about them, "Your best friend", "Your top follower", "Yo XXXXX you were tagged in this video". People in this gang are really self indulgent which is why I think are always after the word"You/Your". And Ta Da! they are all over facebook posting spam. And finally, we see a sorry message at the end of the day asking us not to click. Thank you, We are not as foolish as you were!

4. Barging Barrens: People in this gang are the ones who keep the facebook server up and running all the time. They are keen on updating their status every hour. If they have nothing to say, they post !@#$%^&. And you don't feel like hiding their updates because they are too dear to you. Now, there is a small fraction of this gang which does not post crazy special characters but they'd crash land into every possible place in the neighborhood and "Check-in".  If you are with a group of friends and hanging out after a long time, we understand. But if you are alone, busy doing nothing at some cinema hall or shopping mall, who cares?

Sapota predicts that there would be days when people will start updating their statuses to "Just had breakfast", "Just had coffee at Starbucks", "Window shopping at XYZ Mall with Tom, Dick and Harry". He says "He has much bigger problems to worry about".

5. Juvenile Jammers: People in this gang are just out of high school and they think they are too old for myspace or orkut. It would have been much better if Zuckerberg regulated the access only for .edu email addresses. He could have weeded out all these High School Graduates who do nothing but tag people in crazy photos or continuously access the useless apps on facebook. The other day it took 10 minutes to remove all the crazy tags I was associated with. Time is not a matter, patience is!


6. Legitimate Laggers: I termed them 'Laggers' because people often tend to forget to notice any updates from people in this Gang. And that is because rest of their screen's real estate has been occupied by the rest of the gangs above. These people try to spread general awareness or share interesting articles but noone really cares because they are fed up with the numerous scumming. And hence doesn't show up in the News Feed. It also includes the people who are victims of the 5 groups above and the sole reason they are on facebook is to know how and what their friends are doing. But sadly, all they say is Horoscopes, Paul the Octopus's updates, Which Celebrity are you, Top viewer of your profile and every possible useless piece of crap.


Some people implode within themselves, some laugh at the rest, some bitch about them, some feel worried and people like me BLOG. Share it! To the change, fellas!