Your's truly, Ep-1

Everyone knows me.

I am the most famous celebrity ever. I am looked at every day by everyone; some look at me with dissent while some roll their eyes and sigh "Someday". Though I face the brunt from a lot of people for just being myself, I digest all the curses for a selfless reason.

When I don't grow in age, it could be a problem but when people grow in age, it is a definite problem. People complain about me, rave about me, crib about me and I don't say a word. The few exclusions in my life, the people who showcase PDA towards me -  the one's with the magic chisels. People shop, mostly to conceal me or flaunt me. 

In most cases I take credit for all the subscriptions to fitness centers and health clubs and several as-seen-on-tv products. I also take some credit for up-keeping the economy at all times with people's obsession with me and all the dollars spent on my shopping. I am the reason for most of the tabloids and the reason hot chicks show up on the front covers of several magazines (You are welcome!).

The people who know me, take good care of me. While a few of them don't care about me, some like to think they don't care about me but spend several hours thinking about me and working for me.  

I am to you, what you are to me!

Your's truly,

Your Belly.

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With the Photographer

I don't know how many of you have heard of the short story "With the Photographer" by Stephen Leacock but I just stumbled upon the title while I have been sitting duck through the fritter of photographers floating around on the internet. One should understand the distinctive line between Photographer and lens-bearer. Just carrying a DSLR around doesn't make anyone an ace craftsman, I say that because I've been there and done that.

Thanks to the affordable prices of DSLRs, half of my friends on Facebook own them. Everyone of them has a showcase and samples would be added every now and then until you acknowledge their creativity. Even then, after you carefully choose one photo that really caught your eye and appreciate them for it; it only gets worse. They feel much proclaimed and start clicking everything that they see. In those artistic escapades to explore their creative side, they spook, alarm, rag and leave you with no choice but to watch these common ones:


Yes its me! The most common photograph that I come across. How natural is it for everyone to feel that they are the first ones to explore this angle of their creative side. I'd rather give my camera to someone else and get a good portrait of myself rather than hiding behind the lens.

If you wanted to show just the camera, why do you to bother to take your car out? Don't you have a bigger mirror in your bathroom?


Oh! Those beautiful flowers. Agreed, they are beautiful. There are atleast 3 trees in every street so I wouldn't care even if those beautiful flowers on those gorgeous trees have a  pleasant sky in the background.If you really like the world to look that beautiful, how about planting a tree?

There is a similar creed that exists that live on Macro photography. I know it takes a lot of patience and pain to get those but I really don't care because I can see it with my naked eye. I appreciate their effort but could anyone please acknowledge my artistically challenged brain?


Riser and Setter. I know Sunrise and Sunset are beautiful and I like them too but I feel they can be much appreciated when you see them naked, I meant with naked eyes? Probably, this is the most common photograph that everyone captures. Behind the trees, Amidst the clouds, Over the waters, Inside the valleys being the various 'jhalaks'.


The Hallow. Are you kidding me? A floor lamp, Lamp Post, Street light? Is that all theycan think of? Just like Dal Tadka, they add a Black & White or Sepia effect to it to make it look special but it is still the same lame lamp.

 If this picture resembles someone's mood, they should probably talk to someone to get over it; uploading pics like these would depress others including them.

Fall is here! This phenomenon is more prevalent among the ones living in the US as this is the first time they notice leaves off trees. I don't know what particularly irks their interest but they seem to be fascinated about this aspect.

 The depth, focus and other terms that they quote might sound amazing and wonderful but they should realize that I can find thousands of such images on Google.



Colorful India! Suddenly people find India and its streets very colorful. Never did they turn their heads to peep towards the slums or laborers. These people are busy earning their living and the lens-men are busy capturing their lives, that too in a colorful tone.

With the many photo editing softwares, they can now colorize an old man with his sutta or a rag picker busy with his activities. What is so fascinating about a stray dog or a parked bicycle at the doorstep for that matter? Sometimes they make me feel that I cannot appreciate anything.

The Weapon! Finally, they introduce all of us to the tool which they have been using to drive us crazy all these times. When I look at it, I wonder how beautiful life could have been if they didn't invent Digital cameras in the first place or if the DSLRs costed a fortune.

The craziness doesn't stop with photographs, does it? They have emerged into the era of short-film making now and I don't want to get started on how well they suck at that.

I've used DSLR for a little bit and realized that there are people who could do a much better job than me and some of them were my friends. But the rest of them, like me, still try to force creativity out of themselves even though it doesn't exist in them. People, Live and Let live!

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Who is D.K. Bose?

Ever since I watched the promo, I wanted to see what the song was all about and after I saw the movie, I wonder who is D.K. Bose and why is he running.

Is it Shiney Ahuja running after his maid servants or is it Swamy Nithyananda running after his female devotees?
Is it Anna and Co., running after the Lok Pal bill or is it Baba Ramdev fleeing from his camp in a Salwar kameez?
Is it Rahul Dravid running and scoring elegantly in Test Cricket or Sania mirza running hard to exit from the 2nd round of Wimbledon?
Is it our Honorable Prime Minister running away from the media avoiding facing questions or is it the media itself running after useless coverage.
Is it the Telangana leaders who are trying hard to make the best profits out of the worst situations or is it the  other group of politicians competing to gather in Tihar jail?
Is it Julian Assange trying to save Wikileaks from falling into the hands of the faulty governments or is it the common man revolting against Anarchies?
Is it the U.S Navy seals who were chasing Osama or is it the Indian Govt. who are still hunting for leads on the 26/11 attacks?
Is it the Delhi women who are trying to save themselves from getting abused or is it someone warning the Bachelors from getting hitched?
Or, or, or, may be it is just me trying to run away from Kansas.

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Bollywood Rewind

In 1970's we ousted America as the largest producer of films and secured the name Bollywood and ever since we have been producing films to be a part of the rat race. Some of them churned money, some earned awards and a few spread awareness while most of them gave birth to a new culture. As the saying goes, Life is not a movie, they initially directed movies to show people what they always dreamt in their life and their little amusements. Then they kept producing, re-producing and finally de-producing such films. We are now at a stage where we appreciate movies that are much closer to real life, you don't think so? Why was "Page 3" acclaimed?

Since its inception, Bollywood has been through several transformations. I know when people say Change is Good, but is it really? In this case, I'm puzzled! Also, they say Old is Gold. But again, I don't completely agree. I was not present in the 70s nor did I watch all the movies that were ever produced. But I think I have watched enough movies, significantly more than the normalcy, to do the judgement. Lawrence, KS makes me search for all kinds of scummy movies to avoid dawdling and over the past few days I was wondering, is this how screwed up the industry is?

I remember my dad making me watch movies like Yarana and Sholay while I was growing up and we enjoyed it passionately. I wonder what the kids of next generation get to watch with their dads - Dostana? Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag? or some movie in which Akshay Kumar is still a hero doing stunts? Thanks to technology, we are atleast able to secure the prints of those Good Old movies.

And don't even get me started on the songs, which are the spices of our cuisine called Bollywood. Gone are the days of Ghazals, sweet lyrics and shayaris; All we are left with is 'Hard Kaur'ed music and dhin chak dhin chak beats. The other day, I was listening to this song, Char Bhaj gaye hein and was thinking to compose my own song. It is easy pals, grab some Homophones and put it at the end of each stanza. Make a khichdi by using some cool hippy words like rock, disco, party, chick as the fillers and boom, you are a rockstar right  there. I do, I really do enjoy that song and that is what baffled me - what the heck is happening? The other day, I was listening to radio online and Iheard this song Karma is a bitch and the song was stuck in my head for the whole day - not a good sign for Monday morning, is it? They also have this new strategy of bringing in non-Indian singers like Snoop Dogg, Lady Gaga and Akon to compose Bollywood Music; don't you think it is something like Pizza Kolhapuri or Kashmiri Lasagna?

Much unlike the yester years, the beauties cannot do the acting and the "Actresses" are not considered beautiful, so we pretty much have to make a choice. Back then they had beauties like Helen perform the item songs. Now, lead heroines have to compete for those numbers. And they compensate their unmatchable dancing skills with skimpier clothes. However, some actors did take dance seriously and carried Mithun's dance steps to a completely different level. Thank God, we were not stuck with the Jumping Jack and several others of that era. But along with that, they bring their chiseled six packs which they ought to show in every song possible - yes you can call me jealous!

But whatever might be the season, somethings in bollywood never change:

• Salman Khan strips his shirt off atleast once in all his movies
• Actors still don't grow moustache until and unless the director insists and they get paid extra for that
• Akshay Kumar still does Slapstick comedy and always has stunts in his movie - irrespective of the genre 
• Kapoors and Khans still comprise a major part of the industry
• 90% of the movies are hero-oriented
• Sunny Deol can still kill 200 people in one take
• Rajeev Masand still doesn't know how to review films
• Every hero has a fan base - including Uday Chopra, Tushar kapoor, Zayed Khan and Fardeen Khan
• There'll be a fancy song in which the hero and his heroine would be on a mountain or a valley out of nowhere
• There will be a doctor or a police or a lawyer or all the three in most of the movies.

Cheers to Bollywood!

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2 hours minus Technology

This dude I'm talking about is alone right now and has scheduled several appointments over the 1st half of the day on a cloudy Wednesday. He owns a car which needs to be serviced, has a Debit card and its PIN has been locked out and a Sony Ericsson C 905 with a shattered screen and as the menu card reads, today's special is fever + nausea. Apparently, he realized that he has to catch up with a lot of things that were being pushed over a few weeks but what he didn't realize was that he had planned too much for the next 2 hours.

After a night full of rigorous coughing and non-stop sneezing, he reluctantly wakes up, showers and decides to go to work, only after finishing those tasks. While brushing his teeth, quickly grabs a pen and writes down the list of things that need to be done. Grunting at the new guy who has been shouting directly to Chennai without using the phone, he cursed himself for having found a new roommate. He then did what he is usually best at, plan the order of doing things. After listing down few of the many to-do things, he set out hoping to complete all the listed tasks. After he drove for a mile, he realized that he forgot his antiquated cell phone at home. Without giving it a second thought, he decided to drive further and complete each of his tasks one after the other. And the story starts here!

He directly goes to the Service Center, drops his car off for an Oil Change and a few other fixes. He manages to get a ride in his own car to downtown where he could get and moving most of his works. He first visits the library to renew a books and realized that it didn't open until the next 1 hour, so he had no other option than returning the books through a dump. He then decides to walk to the one of the banks which was one of the few tasks and felt the deficit of a 50 oz weight in the left side of his jeans. He missed it because he could have avoided walking alone and staring at Spring deserted pavements and traffic lights. Dawdling and ambling, he finally approaches the bank, tries to open the door swiftly and no sooner he notices the "Hours of Operation" in-scripted right by the handle.

Ta-Da! Only if he had a phone, he could have survived the boring Wednesday morning waiting 30 more minutes for the bank's door to open. Or, he could become the Alladin to chant Khul-ja-Simsim. The latter one was impossible and the former one far too possible. As he was counting the number of cars that passed by him, sitting on the side steps, a stranger from the nearby gas station walks up to him. He extends his hand out to him, greets him, and introduces himself as David and his opening line was "I am not the David in the Bible". By now, this dude has judged the new dude who was in his mid fifties to be a homeless guy who was waiting to rant away his ramblings. As expected, he turned out to be one. For a change, he was a well-informed homeless man. They both talked about ethics, mythology and politics. As a matter of fact, he was just listening while the old man kept saying. He again wondered, while still pretending to listen to the man very keenly,  how could he forget his phone. Just before 9.00 AM the man left and he made this dude promise him that he'll attend the "Jazz House" while he played Ukelele tonight.

As the doors opened, he got his work done at the bank and set right out for the next thing on his list, to another bank. As he was feebly walking, he now realizes that he hadn't brought Gatorade which could have given him some energy to walk the couple of streets to reach to the bank. By the Grace of the Holy Mother, he reached there, got his work done. He comes out, walks to the bus stop and he realizes that he does not have the Bus Route Map to now when and where to board the bus. After waiting for a couple of minutes, he decides to take the '11' no. bus (11 -> two legs) and starts walking. He gets weaker and weaker as he walks and finally reaches the service center. He was on his own after that but look at how he could have saved time with technology.

• He could have used the phone to know the timings of the Banks or the Library
• He could have walked to the bus stop and take the bus instead of walking all the way
• He could have avoided the intellectual discussion with the aged man
• He could have called the Service Center and arranged a pickup from Downtown.

The dude in this post has not given me the rights to disclose his real name. But you know who :D

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The Name Game

A lazy Sunday morning, something wobbles by my pillow while I'm still cozied under my comforter and no later I realize it is my cell phone that is vibrating, dragging me out from my hard earned Weekend sleep. In a blunt voice: I say Hello and the other person on the line says: "Is this Shake-it?" FYI Ladies and Gentleman, my full name is 'Shakti Vishnu Teja Kamisetty', the whole underlined part counted as my First Name. I sprung up from my sheets and said "Who?" She resumed her jumbling and started saying "Can I speak to Shake-it Kiss-i-maa...". Now I was totally up on my feet and said "You might want to stop right there! My name is Shakti Kamisetty and you can call me Vishnu (very sternly for an early morning's 11.00 AM call)."


If this was my encounter, some of my friends had their share of funny experiences as well. "Sai Kamineni", the good friend and then roommate of mine, visited his Graduate Advisor and the first question that popped out from his big head was "Are you Kameena?". Within his mind, Sai cursed, "Tu Kameena, Tera baap Kameena, tera poora khandaan kameena" but couldn't raise a word. He calmly corrected the advisor and walked out. This guy Vamshi from Kansas sadly told me how his name was butchered sometimes. Sometimes he called "Wash-me" and sometimes "Wameesh". My name was anagram-ized several times too, calling me "Vunish", "Vunashi" and what not. I always wondered why can't they simply follow the syllables; pronouncing We-issh-nu is no rocket-science!

While some people tailor their names accordingly so that they don't feel ridiculed, some people make sure they are called correctly. Yogesh, a guy I know cut short his name to "Yo" and that made people ask his name thrice instead of twice. Madhuri, tailored it to "Maudri" as people are ignorant of the "dh" syllable. Vidya Shankar challenged a gora, that he'd give him $10 if he got his name right the 1st time and made it simple by asking him to call him "V". I, at times, used the name "Victor" instead of "Vishnu" esp. at Taco Bell and Mc. Donalds to make their life easier but I stopped doing that after I was made realize by Madhuri. So now, I fall under the category of people who make sure they are called correctly - "Vishnu with a V".

Nevertheless, I had problems with my name even before I came to the US. My name was too long to be entered into the High School Certificate. I was amazed to see that it was longer than 24 characters and as usual, puzzled, I asked my parents "Why 3 names while I am just one person?" I am sure many of you have some funny experiences too, would love to listen!

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My First Crush and the first Love Letter

Did you ever write a love letter to someone? Who was the first woman / girl you had a crush on? I was pondering over these two things early in the morning today. I made sure I blog about it after I wake up from my dream and here I am.

Every guy passes through this phase. If not, you might want to relive your younger years once again. Talking about me, being born notorious :P, I had my first crush at the age of 12 and my first love letter at the age of  7. Oh yes, you read that right! I know it has to be the contrary but my Love Letter came much before I had a serious crush on someone.

I don't remember if that was due to the after-effects of a movie that I saw the previous day or watching someone do it but I did this when I was in Class 3. I opened my Notebook and on the Hardback (Cardboard cover after the last page), I wrote "I LOVE ". I didn't disclose her name here for obvious reasons. It was as if I was making a statement, rather than writing a Love Letter. I went home in the evening and as usual my mother starts flipping the pages of my notebook for the day's classwork and 'Bang' suddenly I remember that I inscribed these famous writings on my notebook. My looks were wandering around the corners of the room (as usual) looking for an apt lie (explanation). 

In stern, she questions me "What is this?"
Me: What? (As if I don't have the tiniest hint of whats going on)
Me: "I LOVE " (I read it aloud), "Who wrote that?" :D
She: "Looks like you wrote that, thats how your handwriting is"
Me: I told her that someone might have forged that in my book as I didn't know who did that ;)

I couldn't perceive her thoughts with my budding Mind reading skills but I was quite sure that she got convinced. You know haw hard it is for a 7 year old to understand whats going on in the mind of  a person who is 3 times older to you and that too a woman. Well, that day, I escaped narrowly and my notebook was changed but I still remember that incident. The irony of the whole episode is I am still a good friend of that girl and I never wrote a Love Letter per say after that. :)

Does anyone of you has a crazier story, I'm listening!

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The new guy @ Work

Just as I do every evening, I went to work at I.P and I see this new face, glancing everyone and everything with a bland expression. When I refer bland, I intend to say zero / nil / null. A few minutes later, I overheard the conversation between Raja and Madhuri, he asked her to train this new guy on board. We were asked to teach him everything right from serving to cleaning the tables. 

Initially, that guy looked very perplexed. I can understand how one feels on his 1st day at a new workplace, so all of us tried to bring him into the comfort zone. After a couple of days he was doing okay and that is when I could see the real picture. This guy is basically a Gujju and has the typical accent (the  ---- ne ---- suffix). As in, "aap ne kaha na" is pronounced as "aap ne kaha neeee(nay)" and he mixes that with English. Just after interacting for a couple of hours, Madhuri asked him if he knew how to speak English :D

Everyone gave him their share of tips and advices and then there was a day off for me while Madhuri had to work that day. That day she comes and explains this scene: " I was giving him the dishes to be served at the table and the next order was Chicken Tandoori (usually it is served on a hot plate, so it has to be handled carefully). Accidentally, he burnt his finger and just as any Indian does, he put that finger in his mouth! The next minute a couple of customers entered the restaurant and he ended up showing them where to sit. Can you guess how he directed them to the table????    


 
The next day, after I came in to the restaurant, I taught him how to accompany customers to the table with a smile on their face and how to greet them. He started to receive them at the door the very next moment with a broad smile which never ends until they get seated (Just like the Happy Dent White ad). He was standing there next to the table just like the traffic signal. I am sure the customers might have had a hard time with this guy around. 

Added to all this, he walks as if he was former Mr. India with heights of attitude and does not want to follow anyone's order. He does not care to turn back and see if everything is fine at the table once the food is served. He needs his assistant (ME) to go and see if everything was okay. With zero body hygiene , he feels like he is the celebrity there at I.P. 


These days, I made another striking observation. Whenever someone walks into the restaurant, he ogles at them until they get seated and order something to eat. Non-desis would definitely get offended with this behaviour someday and I'm sure he's gonna get it really bad. I pity Boss's condition, the numerous ways he has been trying to lose his business. Someday it would go to the docks and the start of that is right there merrying around in the restaurant.

 

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This happens only in America

Did anyone wonder, there are certain weird / absurd / interesting (whatever you call it) in America which no one can atleast think of.

  

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. (Funniest of all :D)
5.  Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 
7. Only in America......do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so that they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place. 
8. Only in America......do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
10. Only in America......do they play the whole game using hands and call it Football.
    

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